" How did I let this happen again? I felt as if I didn't know my own body anymore. It seemed as if the struggle I'd had with weight my entire adult life was now officially over. I felt completely defeated. I thought, "I give up. I give up. Fat wins." All these years I'd had only myself to blame for lack of willpower.

Bob Greene and I were walking together one day and he said, " I think something's wrong. You're listless. Your movements are slower, even when you're just doing normal stuff. Twice I've told you something and you don't remember it. There's no sparkle in your eyes. I think you're in some sort of depression."

It was more like a wake-up call.

It was after watching an episode of Oprah on Sunday, the one when she confessed to the world about her constant struggling with weight and finally gave up without realizing it. You can read more on Oprah.com.

A few weeks before the episode, I had faced the most hurtful remark about the way I look, about my weight. It was so hurtful; it ended up me blaming myself for turning myself into this joke, into this. The thing is I would laugh about it, but deep inside I was hurting, I was confused. What did I do wrong here? I worked out like always, I watched what I eat now (sometimes I'd give myself the 7th day of freedom). I just don't get it. What the hell did I do wrong here?!

I'd cry myself to sleep everynight thinking about it. I'd cry while watching tv, while ironing my clothes, while cleaning up the room. I was constantly crying whenever I was by myself. I felt kindda weird about it too but I just couldn't put my finger on it, what is wrong with me, must be the weight thing. I've never told anyone what I was going through.

Atie did ask me once if I was ok. She realized that I was too quiet, not as jovial like I used to be. I was having my period, so I blamed it to the hormones. But all I know, it wasn't the period. I talked to Mom on the phone a few times and those times she asked me if I was alright. The thing was I felt like it wasn't even me talking to her. The last thing that happened was when Nana and Nadiah were joking around like we always do and suddenly, BAM! I felt like what they said was so hurtful, I couldn't even talk to them for 30 minutes. Fozz and Natt asked me if I was ok and I nodded, while holding back my tears.

While doing that, I thought to myself, what the hell is wrong with me?! I wasn't mad at them, I don't mind with the jokes because that's US we're talking about. But why am I holding back my tears?! Should I be mad? Should I cry? Should I just be quiet? Should I counter back? Should I snap? It was so confusing; I had to isolate myself for a few minutes to sort out the emotions. I felt so bad for treating my friends like that. You know, one second you were laughing, next you're mad at these people. It was mentally tiring, seriously.

Then I realized, I was a hazard to myself. I think I was going down in the silent depression.

I finally confessed to my closest friends of what I was going through, what was I feeling, the crying , the weight battle, the sudden change and whatnot. I had to tell them what's going on with me before it's too late.

I needed help and thank God for them.

They have been supportive and understanding. Alhamdulillah. So when I saw that episode, I was glad that I realized that I needed help, earlier. I'm glad that my friends realized the change and been persistently asking.

As Ms. Winfrey put it "My goal isn't to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold; to be strong and healthy and fit, to be itself. My goal is to learn to embrace this body and to be grateful every day for what it has given me."

I concur you and I'm learning.

But I didn't.

Abang Riz texted me to call Mak Long, a day after Ayah Long passed away.

But I didn't.

Not that I didn't want to but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to tell Mak Long how sorry I was for their lost.

Mom called. She asked me to call Mak Long. That was almost 4 days after Ayah Long passed away. Finally, I did. After 4 days, I should be alright.

The moment I heard her voice, it was the moment I broke down, sobbing. I wasn't ready after all. I didn't say anything but just to cry. Mak Long was pretty calm. She reminded me of what Ayah Long had advised us. She reminded me to come over to her house as always, like he was around. She reminded me that Ayah Long had been thinking about us, adik-beradik, like his own, and how much he loved us all.
Until his last days, he still thought of us. He was a great man, my Ayah Long. Al-Fatihah.

Today, at 12.32pm, Abang Riz called. Ayah Long had passed away.

I broke down crying after I hang up the phone. I didn't get to see him one last time. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell him how much he meant to me. All I got to do was to recite Al-Fatihah over and over again but deep down inside I know, it was not enough.

Till we meet again, Ayah Long. Goodbye.

There's always a fine line between a joke and an insult.

I could laugh it off if it's still acceptable. I would fire back if it's appropriate. But when the remarks crossed that fine line, it won't be funny anymore..

I might look like I don't care, I might look like I could laugh it off, I might look like I have some sort of a tough-chick-personality but deep down inside, I'm still a girl..with feelings.

I've been building up these walls to keep off the negative comments that I have to deal since I was a teenager. It was tough. But if you keep on banging the wall non-stop, it would crack eventually isn't it? So, my walls have few cracks already. I don't know how much longer I could put up with this straight face, with this I'm-tough-I-will-kick-your-ass when sometimes at night I would cry myself to sleep, after summon up what I have heard, have gone through. My closest friends never say such things, if they would, because they've known me better and I don't mind.

It's hurtful.

So stop asking what you did wrong, coz dude, you've crossed that line.

To keep my mind off the hurtful remark, I just went out for a movie date with Atie and Idya and we chose for Afdlin Shauki's Papadom.

It was a simple father-daughter tale in Papadom yells out a heartfelt story based on a 'what if' situation. The story surrounds itself on Saadom, who runs a Nasi Kandar business in Penang. He becomes too preoccupied with his work till he has very little time for his young daughter, Mia till a point where he almost forgets her birthday.

Soon, his life takes a dramatic turn when his wife passes away due to a car accident. He is then left alone to care for Mia and realises how precious she means to him. Interestingly enough, Saadom turns from a hardworking shop owner into a doting father dedicating his time and efforts into taking care of Mia. He even looked like he would go to the ends of the earth for her (Yes, he is that protective!)

The tasty papadom gives the story a unique symbolic meaning. In the beginning, Mia's love for her father's papadoms is heavily portrayed, providing a well-pieced story in the end. The moral of the story is clear and understandable as it embeds a point of realization on the importance of family. But then again in the film, Saadom goes to the extreme as he even takes up a job at her campus so he could be near enough to protect her. A real doting father.

Papadom is a down-to-earth film that stays true to the relationship between a single father and his daughter.

I was all teary at the end of the movie and craving for papadom at the same time, is that normal? Hehe..

According to Dr.Fadzillah Kamsah, here are some of the characteristics for those being born in October:

Mudah patah semangat?? I should've known about this earlier so I'd prepare myself before Nuang and not being such a whiny to Qaf and Natt. Hehe! I'm so sorry.

But I can say, the most of the characteristics are true.

"i'm ok babe. but my house, mcm wrecked ship.. now tgh tunggu flight tentera msia amek ktrg balik. padang dah declare darurat 2 bulan. hospital roboh. aku nak balik. tq for asking. credit aku dah abes.. :) -inn"

That was Dekin's sms to Fizzy, posted on TKC9600 FB.

But btol la Atie, mmg double standard. She only texted her Korean-sayo-sayo buddy only? Hahaha..

Just glad you're alright babe!

I managed to get through my Friday in peace. I tried to be positive and do whatever he wanted. Deep down I was rebelling like crazy but vatto do, put a smile on your face, nod and say, "Sure. No problem." Omg. Hypocrite gell.

I just wanna do my job in peace. That's all.

Hope I still have the strength to go through this. Adoi~

I am really annoyed. Seriously.

It was childish and ridiculous to make those things as points nak bantai. Benda remeh pon nak buat issue, saje cari pasal. So unprofessional. And you have the guts to tell me I'm rebellious? Because you're not doing what you're supposed to do and I too have things on my own plate, dumbass!

If you think you're so great in doing all the job, stop being m.i.a and get the bloody job done! I'm sick of covering your a**, doing and explaining your crap.

Sesungguhnya aku orang yang teraniaya.

Argh. Geram.