" How did I let this happen again? I felt as if I didn't know my own body anymore. It seemed as if the struggle I'd had with weight my entire adult life was now officially over. I felt completely defeated. I thought, "I give up. I give up. Fat wins." All these years I'd had only myself to blame for lack of willpower.

Bob Greene and I were walking together one day and he said, " I think something's wrong. You're listless. Your movements are slower, even when you're just doing normal stuff. Twice I've told you something and you don't remember it. There's no sparkle in your eyes. I think you're in some sort of depression."

It was more like a wake-up call.

It was after watching an episode of Oprah on Sunday, the one when she confessed to the world about her constant struggling with weight and finally gave up without realizing it. You can read more on Oprah.com.

A few weeks before the episode, I had faced the most hurtful remark about the way I look, about my weight. It was so hurtful; it ended up me blaming myself for turning myself into this joke, into this. The thing is I would laugh about it, but deep inside I was hurting, I was confused. What did I do wrong here? I worked out like always, I watched what I eat now (sometimes I'd give myself the 7th day of freedom). I just don't get it. What the hell did I do wrong here?!

I'd cry myself to sleep everynight thinking about it. I'd cry while watching tv, while ironing my clothes, while cleaning up the room. I was constantly crying whenever I was by myself. I felt kindda weird about it too but I just couldn't put my finger on it, what is wrong with me, must be the weight thing. I've never told anyone what I was going through.

Atie did ask me once if I was ok. She realized that I was too quiet, not as jovial like I used to be. I was having my period, so I blamed it to the hormones. But all I know, it wasn't the period. I talked to Mom on the phone a few times and those times she asked me if I was alright. The thing was I felt like it wasn't even me talking to her. The last thing that happened was when Nana and Nadiah were joking around like we always do and suddenly, BAM! I felt like what they said was so hurtful, I couldn't even talk to them for 30 minutes. Fozz and Natt asked me if I was ok and I nodded, while holding back my tears.

While doing that, I thought to myself, what the hell is wrong with me?! I wasn't mad at them, I don't mind with the jokes because that's US we're talking about. But why am I holding back my tears?! Should I be mad? Should I cry? Should I just be quiet? Should I counter back? Should I snap? It was so confusing; I had to isolate myself for a few minutes to sort out the emotions. I felt so bad for treating my friends like that. You know, one second you were laughing, next you're mad at these people. It was mentally tiring, seriously.

Then I realized, I was a hazard to myself. I think I was going down in the silent depression.

I finally confessed to my closest friends of what I was going through, what was I feeling, the crying , the weight battle, the sudden change and whatnot. I had to tell them what's going on with me before it's too late.

I needed help and thank God for them.

They have been supportive and understanding. Alhamdulillah. So when I saw that episode, I was glad that I realized that I needed help, earlier. I'm glad that my friends realized the change and been persistently asking.

As Ms. Winfrey put it "My goal isn't to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold; to be strong and healthy and fit, to be itself. My goal is to learn to embrace this body and to be grateful every day for what it has given me."

I concur you and I'm learning.